How Sasuke Hit Puberty
by Hochmeister
Summary: "In general, it's far better to work with these urges rather than suppress them. For example, have you tried dating?" "Dating?" Sasuke asked quizzically. A oneshot set after the war. Rated M just to be safe for Sasuke hitting puberty… ungracefully. Uchihas and mushy romance don't mix well.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Additional Disclaimer: Several Sasuke pairings are satirized. This is done for comedic purposes and with no offense meant to the fans of said pairings or the characters involved. If you are especially sensitive about such things, read at your own risk. Flames will be dumped into my furnace.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha had faced many enemies in his short life. Orochimaru, Killer B, Danzo, even his own rage and pain had been faced down and defeated by the young shinobi. Yet now, he was faced with a new enemy, stronger, more relentless, yet more elusive than any before: boredom.

Boredom was a sly and cunning enemy which had slowly snuck up on him. The first few weeks after the conclusion of the fourth shinobi world war and his return to Konoha were a whirlwind of activity: negotiations between the villages about the future, celebrations about survival, and of course the endless funerals and even more tedious apologies to everyone he had pissed off. Despite helping save the world, he had annoyed a lot of people by deserting Konoha for Orochimaru and during his brief stint in Akatsuki.

Gradually things died down and Sasuke slowly came to the realization that he had nothing to do. Training was useless as he had effectively reached the limits of his natural power (injecting himself with Zetsu goo held little appeal), and didn't really need any more without any evil psychopaths to kill or people to avenge. Missions were out; one of the terms of his forgiveness was that he remain in Konoha for at least a year. Even sparring with Naruto had lost much of its charm, the two ninja had fully explored their limits, and the blonde was always busy with one thing or another.

Presently, the dour antihero was relaxing in a luxurious hot spring in the center of Konoha. Long baths had become a sort of pastime for Sasuke as they pleasantly filled hours of his days, and the thick steam prevented most people from noticing and bothering the famous "last Uchiha." But alas, all good things, such as baths, eventually come to an end. Pleasantly relaxed, he wrapped his towel firmly around his waist and strode to the exit. The baths had opened up to mixed bathing while he relaxed, and as he walked he passed various members of both genders.

Suddenly, a shriek and loud smack rent the previously serene air. Concerned, Sasuke hurried over to the source of the noise, only to stop abruptly as he was confronted with an unexpected sight. One of the female patrons, an attractive young twenty-something brunette, had slipped and fallen on her rear, presenting the Uchiha with the glorious sight of her glistening nude body, heaving bosom and… lower regions. There was an awkward moment of silence as Sasuke blushed slightly, then, eyes averted, offered the woman her dropped towel before walking away.

* * *

Days later, Sasuke woke with a start from a _very_ pleasant dream, sweaty and somewhat stiff. Ever since the encounter at the springs he had been cursed with a series of distracting dreams and embarrassing sensations in his body. Even his everyday life had been altered, as he had slowly begun to notice that women had breasts. There were breasts _everywhere_, tormenting him constantly.

For a man who had previously shown no appreciation for the female form (Naruto's sexy jutsu barely made him blink) all this was extremely disconcerting. Some of his more _imaginative_ fangirls had come up with scandalous theories about Sasuke's preferences, which at face value only seemed to be corroborated by his apparent lack of interest in women and close relationship with Naruto.

However, the simple fact was that circumstance had delayed Sasuke's development in such matters. During his time as a genin females were firmly categorized as "icky nuisances" and his single-minded obsession with becoming stronger to avenge his clan left little time for them to develop into anything else. The years with Orochimaru did nothing to spur his interest in women; years spent in the sole company of Orochimaru and Kabuto would be enough to suppress even Jiraiya's sex drive. The poor boy simply had no experience in such matters, so when his body began acting up, he did the most sensible thing he could think of; he ignored it and hoped it would go away.

* * *

"Another guard mission?" Sasuke asked in a bored tone. "Do I really have to waste my time with this?"

Tsunade glared at the Uchiha and stood up, slamming her hands on her desk.

Bounce bounce. _'ignore them, ignore them, ignore them…'_

"Stop your whining brat, just because you're forbidden from leaving the village doesn't mean you get a vacation!"

Bounce bounce _'think of something else… anything…'_

"So get out there and do your shift. We're not running a charity here and we're shorthanded as is!" the Fifth Hokage yelled, pointing at the door.

"Hn" Sasuke grunted, secretly relieved to be able to leave before the Hokage's ample chest could affect him further. He shuffled hastily out the door, doing his best to conceal his condition. _'I've got to figure out a way to stop this…'_

* * *

The sun was shining, the air crisp and clear, and Sasuke was enjoying some dango on a rooftop in downtown Konoha. Idly, he watched the traffic below, and eventually his gaze wandered to Ebisu, being pestered again by Konohamaru and Naruto. Suddenly, there was a giant poof of smoke, which cleared to reveal dozens of nude blondes and brunettes alluringly surrounding the stricken teacher. Sasuke's eyes widened and a thin rivulet of blood snaked from his nose as he took in the sight. _'Damn idiots!' _he thought as his body reacted to the display. _'Hm… maybe some training will take my mind of those… things.'_

* * *

Sasuke surveyed the devastation surrounding him with a smirk of satisfaction. None in the world possessed his mastery of lightning manipulation, and the young genius had once again outdone himself in terms of sheer destructiveness. His smirk of satisfaction suddenly changed to a frown, as a now familiar sensation in his lower parts once more made itself known. _'Seriously?! I am one of the strongest shinobi on Earth, able to control my chakra and movement better than almost anyone, yet I can't suppress this?!'_

* * *

A month after the bathhouse incident Sasuke finally decided to seek help. None of his friends or the other shinobi would do, they had already made a big enough fuss about the whole "dark chakra hatred feedback loop" thing between his brain and sharingan. Telling them about his new problems would only lead to more prodding, worrying, and annoying fretting and concern which he did not want to deal with.

"Ukeha Saito?" the young receptionist asked the nondescript young shinobi. The henged Sasuke nodded. "You can go right on back; Dr. Iroppoi is ready to see you now."

Sasuke walked down the hall, into the indicated door. Behind it was an elderly man with a small pair of glasses in a lab coat. "Saito? Have a seat and make yourself comfortable." He said kindly, gesturing at the brown leather psychiatrist's couch.

Sasuke grunted and sat down. Better to play along with the old shrink and get it over with quickly.

"So, what's bothering you young man?" Dr. Iroppoi said as he took out a clipboard and pen.

"Recently I've been having some… unusual dreams, followed by a physical reaction when I wake up. I've also been getting… aroused at inconvenient times." Sasuke grunted reluctantly.

"I see, I see" Dr. Iroppoi said, scribbling furiously in his notebook. "I take it this began recently? Do you know what triggered it?"

"It started after I accidentally saw a woman expose herself at the public baths." Sasuke replied. "Now, how do I make it stop? It's extremely distracting, and is interfering with my work! Not to mention how embarrassing it is."

Dr. Iroppoi chuckled at the strained expression on his patient's face. "Young man, it's nothing to be so concerned about, it's perfectly normal for a boy your age to have such thoughts and reactions. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to make it go away, it's all part of growing up."

"Unacceptable" Sasuke deadpanned. "I'm not going to remain like this for the rest of my life."

"Oh, don't worry about that" Dr. Iroppoi said with a smile. "Your hormones will settle down after a few years, and the-"

"YEARS?!" Sasuke yelled. "I'll have to put up with this for that long?!" It was all he could to restrain his sharingan from activating, and his fingers spasmed as brief tendrils of electricity flowed down his arm.

"Settle down, settle down" Iroppoi said soothingly. "Now, as I was saying, eventually your hormones will stabilize, but in the meantime there are some things you can do to help yourself. In general, it's far better to work with these urges rather than suppress them. For example, have you tried dating?"

"Dating?" Sasuke asked quizzically.

* * *

In hindsight, it was the obvious solution. Constant exposure to women would help build his tolerance to their assets, and, well, he did eventually want to rebuild his clan. But still, memories of hordes of squealing prepubescent girls dogging his every step filled his mind with dread; he would never have come up with such a drastic plan on his own. Now, there was only the matter of who to select as his "girlfriend." Socialization had never really been Sasuke's thing, and getting to know more people held little appeal. That left him with the kunoichi he already knew.

Out of them, his teammate Sakura was the obvious choice. Despite that… unpleasantness in the land of Iron, she had loved him, confessed to him, and even believed in his redemption during the war. Out of all the women he knew, she was the most familiar, and the most likely to be interested in a relationship. Familiar, comfortable, already in love with him, and requiring little awkward socialization, she was the perfect choice. Furthermore, she was unrelated to any clan that might want to absorb the Uchiha, and didn't possess any bloodline traits that could potentially interfere with his sharingan.

After a quick search he soon found his teammate leaving her shift at the hospital. Sakura waved enthusiastically with a smile in greetings to her teammate. _Well, that's off to a good start…'_

"Hello Sasuke-kun!" she said happily.

"Hello Sakura. Go out with me."

Sakura's face showed some confusion. "Go where with you?"

'_Crap! I forgot about that! You're supposed to do things on a date! Stall, stall!'_ "Out on a date. With me."

"Huh?" Sakura said with a slight blush. "Did someone poison you or something? You've _never _shown any interest in dating at all, so why now, and _why me after all these years?_" she replied somewhat pointedly.

"Hn…" Sasuke grunted as he thought of what to say. Lying had never been one of his skills; he simply remained silent when he didn't want to say anything. Unfortunately, this caused a rather unfortunate lack of tact on his part. "Well, I wanted to rebuild my clan eventually, and life's rather dull these days. You're pretty much the simplest choice for this whole thing." He replied dispassionately.

"So, you got bored and decided you wanted something to screw? And I just happened to be the only girl you know?" Sakura said sweetly.

It was at this point that one of Sasuke's weaknesses revealed itself. Whereas Naruto would have quickly prostrated himself and started offering apologies at the sight of Sakura's clenched jaw, trembling fist and "sweetly sarcastic I'm about to beat the shit out of you" expression and tone, Sasuke had no experience with women getting angry at him. Such a thing was nearly inconceivable; women practically worshipped him.

This lack of experience with the more violent side of the female species caused him to completely miss the fact that Sakura was getting angry. "Pretty much" he replied, happy that she was being so understanding. "You're the simplest choice and I didn't really feel like looking arou-"

WHAM! For the first time in his life, Sasuke had fallen victim to one of Sakura's famous rages.

"SO YOU FINALLY GET INTERESTED IN WOMEN, AND GO TO ME SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M EASY?!" She screamed, veins throbbing. "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME UP WITH A MUCH BETTER REASON THAN THAT AFTER ALL THE SHIT YOU PUT ME THROUGH!" Sakura yelled as she stomped away from the dazed Uchiha.

'_I think I need to work on my approach… women are touchy, first they chase after you for six years, then when you finally ask them out they explode like that!'_ Sasuke picked himself up with a groan. _'Who would have guessed she'd treat me like Naruto for once?' _he thought with an internal grin. Thankfully, Naruto's… lack of charm with the ladies made the idea of him ever going out on a date before Sasuke laughable, which on reflection was a darn good thing as Sasuke was not nearly ready for a brood of chibi-Uzumakis.

Sasuke's eyes widened as jumbled thoughts suddenly connected in his brain. _'Naruto – hero of the shinobi world… beloved by all… trained by perverts… designed a nude henge…' _His sharingan activated and started spinning wildly as he came to a horrifying realization. _'Naruto could have a whole harem of women, and unlike me he wouldn't mind that at all! Pretty soon I'm going to be swimming in chibi Naruto's, and it'd be just like him to stick them on "Uncle Sasuke!" Shit! I've got to get some mini-me's of my own before he starts to breed!' _If his newly awoken testosterone wasn't enough, this was more than enough to push Sasuke over the edge. A legion of mini-Naruto's was the inevitable culmination of his friend's new popularity, and as far as he could tell the only way to prevent them from making his life hell was to get some mini-Uchiha reinforcements, as soon as possible! Besides, his pride demanded it. He couldn't let Naruto get too far ahead of him in anything.

* * *

Finding a different targe- er, girl was rather difficult. The only other girl Sasuke knew was Karin, but aside from the fact that she was rather crazy, the fact that she was an Uzumaki was more than enough to make Sasuke stay far, far away. The thought of Naruto having kids was bad enough; the prospect of any of his own kids ending up like Naruto was utterly unacceptable. Plus, she was crazy. Wracking his memories, Sasuke finally came up with the teammate of mini-Gai and the arrogant Hyuga he had met at the Chunin exam years ago. He couldn't recall saying a word to the girl, but she had smiled and blushed at him during the exam and unlike most girls restrained herself from squealing or hugging.

Some discreet information gathering later and Sasuke learned that the girl, Tenten, had survived the war (even helping knock out one of the edo-Akatsuki) and frequented the training grounds practicing with her weapons. All in all Sasuke approved, she seemed rather calm and _sane_ (a tribute to her mental fortitude after being on a team with Gai and Lee for four years), was not involved in any nasty clan politics, and had an admirable dedication to the shinobi lifestyle and all things sharp and pointy.

After skimming a book about dating and relationships for some pointers on avoiding similar mishaps to what had happened with Sakura, Sasuke decided to spend an afternoon training at an adjacent ground, conveniently wander over to, ugh, socialize, and maybe see if the girl would be interested in dinner. The plan began flawlessly, and after a few hours of practicing taijutsu Sasuke wandered towards the sound thumping kunai and intermittent explosions. He arrived as the bun-haired girl was sorting a truly astounding assortment of weapons onto an unfurled scroll.

Tenten looked up as he walked into the clearing, and her eyes widened in surprise at the visitor. "Uchiha Sasuke? What brings you here?"

"Hn, I was training in the adjacent field. Saw you over here and recognized you from the Chunin exam all those years ago." Sasuke replied nonchalantly. "Figured I might as well stop by, people tell me to socialize more and I never really got to see you fight."

"Well, as you can see I'm a weapons user." Tenten replied as she finished sealing her arsenal into the giant scroll. "Kunai, shuriken, swords, maces, spears, you name it and I've got it!" She said as she slung it over her shoulder. "Probably got a dozen of them in fact!" She said with a grin.

Things seemed to be off to a good start. Next step was to talk about something that they had in common, and then try for dinner. She obviously liked weapons, and Sasuke was something of a swordsman himself, so…

"I happen to know a bit about kenjutsu myself." Sasuke replied with what he hoped was a friendly smile. "Would you like to see my sword?" He asked, placing his hand in the ideal position to draw his blade.

…

"YOUR WHAT?!"

Sasuke stared in confusion. "I just thought you would want to handle it…"

…

"DIE PERVERT!"

Sasuke was lucky; this time the enraged girl didn't manage to land a hit on him. Still, the sheer number and variety of deadly implements she flung at him was something, and the explosive tags mixed in made things even more dangerous. As he ingloriously fled Tenten's wrath Sasuke resolved to never use that phrase around women again.

* * *

Ino Yamanaka had tied with Sakura for most annoying fangirl in his academy class. Time and familiarity had made Sakura far more tolerable, but not her. Sasuke had run into Ino in downtown Konoha, and before he knew what was happening he had his ear talked off and was conscripted to go clothes shopping. It was horrible.

"So, which one would I look better in Sasuke-kun?" The annoying blonde asked in a sweet voice, holding up two dresses for inspection.

Sasuke had no idea, nor could he care less. He was fed up with getting talked at, but couldn't figure out how to extricate himself without pulling a repeat of the last two situations. If this was what dating was like, he was feeling far less enthusiastic about it. So, he replied with his usual response when he didn't really want to say anything. "Hn."

"Hehe, you're so sweet! Of course I'd look great in both!" Ino replied perkily. Sasuke ground his teeth in frustration. "Now, you just wait here while I go and try them on, and no peeking!" she said, sassily waving her finger at the stoic Uchiha.

Sasuke watched her walk into the room, with her hips swaying… swaying… _'crap! Not again! Well, this sucked anyway, while the going's good…'_ Without a sound, Sasuke vanished, leaving only a cloud of smoke and a very disappointed Ino.

* * *

A few hours later, Sasuke was sitting in one of the large trees that grew in Konoha's park, out of sight of anyone below. As he lazily watched the flora and fauna below, he couldn't help but brood about his recent failures with women. Sasuke was not used to failure, and despite the relative… trivialness of the matter being anything less than perfect was unacceptable to him.

As he mused, his eyes caught a flash of blue, and he saw a somewhat indigo haired Hyuga walking past unawares. The girl was somehow familiar, though he couldn't quite place her… aha! It was the quiet little Hyuga girl from his class, Hanata? Hinaba? She had never made much of an impression on him, he couldn't really recall much besides her being very quiet. In fact, out of all the girls in his class, she was the only one who never chased after him like some lovesick puppy in heat.

'_All of which would make her a far better choice than any of the other loudmouthed women I know.' _Sasuke thought with satisfaction. It was perfect, Hinata would never scream at him, squeal, cling like an annoying, embarrassing limpet, or bother him with incessant chatter. A bright future of silent dates and a future home punctuated only by monosyllabic conversations filled his head, despite a small nagging feeling that relationships probably weren't supposed to work like that. _'Figures that what's probably the least troublesome woman I know would come with a ton of baggage though. Who knows how the sharingan would mix with her byakugan, and if I died young there's no doubt the Hyuga would just love to stick the Uchiha clan into a branch house.'_

Plus there was some other detail that was nagging at the back of his brain, something he just couldn't quite remember about the Hyuga girl. While he was wracking his mind for its source, the indigo haired girl turned with a blush and a small smile and gave a wave in his direction. _'Huh, did she see me? That's weird; she only ever acted like that around –'_

Naruto walked up to Hinata with his goofy smile and matching blush and said a few words Sasuke couldn't quite make out. The pair talked a bit, and then started walking out of the park, still oblivious to Sasuke's presence above them.

'_Of course! She was the only girl who was never all over me because she somehow fell for that blonde idiot!'_ Sasuke realized. The girl's behavior suddenly made a lot more sense. As the happy couple walked out of the park holding hands Sasuke's mood soured. _'Darn it, now he's ahead of me in this too!'_ It seemed that his earlier prediction about Naruto was coming true before his very eyes. Suddenly, an even more terrifying though crossed his mind. _'Hyperactive blonde mini-Naruto's… with the byakugan!' _Sasuke's jaw clenched with horror at the prospect of Naruto's kids with the ability to find him _anywhere_.

As he mused on the potential horror, Sasuke felt an ominous presence behind him and whirled around only to come face to face with an extremely stern looking Hiashi Hyuga. Sasuke reflexively flinched a little; it was curious how the elder Hyuga had the same sour "I am very annoyed with you" expression his father often wore.

"You seem to have taken an interest in my daughter, Uchiha." Hiashi said in a cold, stern voice, doing his best to skewer Sasuke with the famed Hyuga death glare. "I should warn you, I will not tolerate any outside interference into her current… circumstances." He said with a gesture to Hinata and Naruto.

"Only interference from you, right?" Sasuke retorted. It was blatantly obvious the old man had been keeping an eye on his daughter and Naruto, not the Sasuke blamed him.

"I am merely… fulfilling my duties as a father and clan head. Duties with include keeping an eye on a certain impulsive young man, or keeping the trash outside where it belongs." the Hyuga head replied with a slight smirk.

"Hn. I wonder what your daughter would say about that?" Sasuke replied with irritation. The stuck up bastard was getting on his nerves. "She's old enough to make her own choices now."

Hiashi surprised him with another, more genuine smile. "Yes, you are all grown enough to make your own choices… and to deal with the consequences." The smile became more feral, and far less pleasant. "For example, did you know that amongst our family jyuken styles there is one particularly specialized form called the "Gelding Fist?" It is taught to all Hyuga maidens… and the clan head. As for what it does, well, you can probably guess from the name. And all it takes is a single touch." A slightly deranged look crossed the older man's face, and he stepped forwards activating his byakugan. "And don't forget, the Hyuga can see all! Hero of the world be dammed; if that kid dares to do anything to my daughter…" He suddenly refocused towards the departed pair. "Well it's been a nice chat, but I should continue on with my walk. Goodbye."

Sasuke sighed in relief as he slumped down against the tree trunk and made a mental note to beware overprotective fathers. _'Screw this; Naruto's more than welcome to deal with that psychotic man and his clan.'_

"Yo!" came a familiar voice somewhere above and behind him. Sasuke whirled around, only to see Kakashi crouched in a branch above him. "Gai asked me to have a talk with you after his cute little student complained about you molesting her, but I see that Hiashi's already done it for me!" the Copy ninja said with a masked smile.

"That was just a misunderstanding" Sasuke growled in irritation. "And besides, it's none of your business anyway."

To his annoyance, Kakashi merely smiled. "True, you may be beyond my help when it comes to jutsu and such, but you're still a novice in the world of women, and I feel compelled as your former sensei and elder to give you some guidance."

"Hmph, what sort of guidance could someone like you possibly offer?" Sasuke asked grouchily.

"Well…" Kakashi replied with another infuriating smile as he reached into his pocket and held out a certain orange book.

"Seriously? That smut?" Sasuke asked incredulously.

"What better way to learn how to avoid any more 'misunderstandings'?" Kakashi replied with a twinkle in his eye. "Additionally, it can give you knowledge of some, erm, social nuances I think you lack, and you're at the age where you can appreciate it. Give it a try, you may be surprised!" he said cheerily.

Sasuke dubiously took the proffered book, and the instant it was out of his hands Kakashi waved and vanished in a swirl of leaves. He briefly considered chucking the thing, but decided against it. It wasn't like he had anything better to do, and there was the slight chance that it could help his understanding of the nuances of male-female interactions. At the very least it would build his tolerance. Reluctantly, he opened up Kakashi's first edition Icha Icha: Paradise and began to read. After the first page, a puzzled expression formed on his face, followed by a small smirk. By the fifth page, Sasuke was giggling slightly. _'Hehe, so that's why Kakashi reads this stuff all the time!'_

In the afterlife, Jiraiya was doubled over screaming in laughter as his creation ensnared another disciple.

* * *

A few months later:

* * *

"Sasuke, fight! Now!"

Sasuke lazily lifted his head from his latest Icha Icha book. "Huh? Were you saying something Naruto?" Somewhere in Konoha, Kakashi suddenly felt a mysterious surge of pride and affection for his prodigal student.

"Baa-chan's been dumping more and more of this Hokage business on me, Konohamaru won't leave me alone, Ichiraku's out of ramen, and Hinata's old man has been trying to kill me after she fell asleep at my place! I need stress relief, so FIGHT ME!"

Sasuke merely giggled at the thought of Hinata "spending the night" and Hiashi's ensuing reaction. "You should try swapping jackets with her; I hear it's all the rage amongst couples these days." he suggested deviously. _'Oh, the ideas I get from Icha Icha.' _he thought as he gazed fondly at the book.

Naruto growled in annoyance, snatched the book from the distracted Sasuke and chucked it in a nearby stream. "There, now that that's out of the way can we spar?"

Sasuke trembled in rage as his eyes spun furiously into the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan. Do not… disrespect… the book!" he screamed as he jumped at his rival.

By dusk, the two battered and exhausted shinobi were dragging each other from the training field back to the village center. Sasuke and Naruto had spent themselves beating the crap out of each other until they could barely move. "Aaah, that was great!" Naruto sighed with a big smile. "Remind me to do that again whenever I want a really intense spar."

"Bastard, don't threaten the book!" Sasuke spat back. Still, it had been fun, though the training field was completely wasted. "I've been losing my edge, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten that last blow in." he grumbled.

As they passed through the gates leading to the center of the village, they found an upset Sakura and Hinata waiting for them. "You idiots!" Sakura yelled, giving them each a thump to the head which sent them sprawling to the ground. "You should know better than to go full out so close to the village! It felt like an earthquake over here!"

Hinata was quieter, but no less effective. "You should be more careful Naruto-kun. You could have gotten hurt, or damaged the village." She said with a disappointed look on her face.

"Sorry Hinata, Sakura-chan." Naruto replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "We just needed to work out some stress! Didn't mean for it to get so intense ya know!" He grinned hopefully at the pale eyed girl. Hinata simply kept up the somber look. "Okay, okay. I promise we'll go further out or keep things down next time. Don't want people to think their new Hokage's irresponsible ya know!"

Hinata smiled and reached down to help Naruto up. It was hard to remain upset with him for long. "You aren't irresponsible, just a little impulsive." She said with a smile as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder for support. "But that's one of the good things about you. And I guess I'm here to keep you from being too reckless. Come on, let's get you home and bandaged up." She said as they started walking towards Naruto's apartment.

Sakura watched them leave with a smile before turning back to Sasuke. "They really are too cute around each other. Well, might as well get you home too." She said as she helped Sasuke up.

"Thanks" Sasuke said with a small smile, as her recent behavior clicked with a certain archetype he had just read about. _'So, it seems Sakura still likes me. _The young Uchiha broke out in a short laugh. _The field love really is a battle, one which I will soon master as well! There's nothing an Uchiha like me cannot do when we apply ourselves!'_ He really did enjoy a good challenge.

* * *

Hiashi was having a very annoying day. He had just spend hours at tedious village council meetings, followed by heated clan meeting arguing with the elders about ways to rebuild their clan after the fourth world war without keeping things too "in the family" and to top it off Hinata had been out all afternoon with that blonde menace completely unsupervised. A discreet check with his after the meetings revealed nothing too suspicious, but he still decided to "go out for a walk" near the training ground where the couple had spent the day just to be safe. He had nothing against Naruto personally; in fact he quite approved of the young man. Even if he hadn't saved the world, he was a good influence on his daughter, and it didn't hurt that he was the son of the fourth Hokage and contained the second most powerful demon in existence. Hiashi merely disapproved of the whole thing on principle; Hinata was young and innocent and Naruto had spent several years with that infamous pervert Jiraiya. Hiashi was simply concerned that the teenagers would go too far and do something they'd regret. Hero of the world or not, sixteen was still far too young for his precious daughter to be defiled by ANYONE!

The overprotective father breathed a sigh of relief as he arrived at the isolated section of the park and found the two just talking (though annoyingly close) and watched in amusement as Naruto put his arm around Hinata's orange clad waist. Ah, young love.

…

ORANGE?!

…

Blood vessels erupted around Hiashi's eyes as his reflexively activated into an enraged glare more reminisce of an Uchiha's Mangekyo. Naruto and Hinata jumped in surprise as his killing intent flooded the field and stood in shock as he raced toward them, hands alight with chakra as he assumed a jyuken form specialized for dealing with teenage boys – in a most painful manner. "UZUMAKI! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DAUGHTER?!"

In a nearby tree, the cleverly concealed Sasuke silently laughed and munched on some popcorn as he watched Hinata block the enraged Hiashi's attacks while a confused Naruto cowered behind her. Icha Icha was all well and good, but sometimes it just couldn't compare to live action. Still, at that moment he was very glad that Sakura's father wasn't nearly as protective as Hiashi, or possessed X-ray vision.

* * *

Author's note: First of all, a big thank you to everyone who reviewed or favorited my last oneshot! It seems people like humor a lot, which is good because I do too. This was basically an exercise in inversion; what if Sasuke was interested in girls… and they all rejected him? I tried to keep the characters as close to cannon as possible, but Sasuke and Sakura (there's no way in hell she'd turn Tsundere on him) were somewhat out of character for plot purposes. Hopefully it was enjoyable and didn't ruffle anyone's pairing feathers too hard. Please review and tell me what you thought!


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